Hair

OK, so I decided to try this thing called a Brazillian Blowout on my hair (the hair on the top of my head people, come on). I've been wanting to do something different for a while but didn't really feel like committing to color. I've straightened my hair before and knew I didn't want to do that again. So, I tried it. I didn't really think about it too much before I did it. I just wanted to try it.

I thought my hair would be pretty curly still. It said it would remove like 50% of the curl, but my hair is pretty damn straight. I don't dislike it. It is fun having long flowing hair. But I don't know that I like it either. I'm hoping as the stuff washes out, it will get curlier and be more what I had in mind.

I had hoped this hair would be easier to deal with but I actually find it harder. I don't know what to put in it, how much, or what to do to it. I'm spending more time on my hair, not less. I do like that when I pull it back, it isn't all frizzy and puffy. I like that it is sleeker. We'll see how it grows out. I'm a little nervous that it won't wash out and I'll be stuck with straight hair on the ends and curls at the roots and end up chopping it all off. But I guess that would be something new too.

it's not me, it's you

This week I realized something. I kind of knew this about myself, but it never seemed so clear as it does now. Suppose you have a friend who says mean things to you all the time or forgets to meet you or is perpetually really, really late. Most people would think to themselves, "wow, this person is not very considerate." and maybe they'd even go so far as to think "I don't want to be friends with them anymore."

Not me. I think things like "I wonder what I did to piss them off." or "they must not like me very much." and then I feel sad about how lame I am instead of realizing it's not me, it's them! Seriously. I finally realize this. I do this in all sorts of relationships. For example, if the check out person at the grocery store forgets to give me the discount and I ask them to apply it and they have to re-ring up the whole thing and are annoyed, I think "geez, it was only $2, I shouldn't be wasting their time." WTF? It is their job. So what if they are annoyed. Not my problem.

Now, I just need to figure out how to apply this handy knowledge in real time instead of realizing after the fact that I have crappy friends, rude salespeople, psychotic managers, etc. I need to start saying (if only in my head) "No, It's You!"

I'm not 22 anymore and why that is a good thing

In NOLA I partied like I haven't partied since I was a young, single girl living in Boston. Which as a side note is a great place to party. But after getting pretty drunk again last night, I have to ask myself "what the hell am I thinking?" I am not 22 anymore and thank god for that. So why am I running around like I am?

I fear this will require much pondering since as far as I can tell this is the happiest I've ever been in my life. Now, given that I have been quite miserable at times, one could say this isn't really saying much. However, I actually feel pretty damn happy these days. I do have an extreme fear of getting old. Just the thought of turning 35 gives me a distinct bad taste in my mouth. Yeah, go ahead and laugh at me. I seriously do not want to get old. Jeff told me the other day that he read some article that people over 80 said they'd trade 2 years of life over 80 for like 1 day (or a week or something) of being young and healthy. If that doesn't scare the crap out of you, I don't know what will.

Anyway, I am going to discuss this with my therapist and I'll get back to you. But in the meantime, I'm taking a vow to stop drinking my friends under the table.

Summer is never coming

So, it is now the first day of July and still summer has not hit Seattle. It is 58 and raining today. 58! On July 1!!! This is very, very wrong people. Especially since last year I was complaining about the heat wave. I bet this year I won't even get to break out the air conditioner.

In other news, life seems to be going much better. Jeff is being awfully nice these days which makes me happy to be married to him. We found a new babysitter and are now going out once a week. We are actually having a lot of fun together and it makes me remember why I married him in the first place.

Work is going well. I think it should be another good review in September. And as we all get shuffled around, looks like I'm going to be writing my own job description. So, I'll get to do exactly what I want to! How cool is that? Also, my friend Cheryl and I recently got back from Tech Ed in New Orleans. We had entirely too much fun. Lots and lots of guys (most of them not that attractive though).

And while I'm on the subject, what is up with all the married guys hitting on married women? I mean, yes everyone was drinking too much, but still. Is this really what is happening out in the real world and I've just been oblivious? Guess I'm just an old-fashioned kind of girl to be shocked by this. However, it is nice to know that if my husband drops dead or something, I'll have lots of options still.

Of course, it is almost the middle of summer, marked by my beautiful, baby boy's birthday. He'll be FIVE this year. I cannot believe that a) he's gotten so big and b) it has happened so fast. But at the same time I can hardly remember what life was like before he arrived! He's already riding a bike, learning to read and just generally making every day awesome.

I'm hoping 2010 will continue to rock so here's hoping we get some sun someday soon.

Loss of Babyhood

I'm a silly, silly girl I tell myself. I have two beautiful children and yet I feel incredibly sad at this moment in time. I'm also very happy but it is all very confusing as I watch my little girl grow up. She marches around the house with a swagger and demands things of everyone at the top of her lungs. She uses hand gestures and manerisms that make her seem more like 16 than 2. At the edge of 3, I've realized that she is no longer a baby. Not only that, she is my last baby and I'll never get to hold my own flesh and blood, fresh from my body for the first time and feel that intense moment of falling in love. I am not needed in the way that I was. I know, they still need me desperately and probably will for at least 20 more years. If for nothing else than to pay their bills. But somehow it isn't the same as the baby years. And while I am so excited to see them grow up and they are so funny and fun as little people, I wish I could capture that moment in time in all senses. Instead, I'm left with photos and videos that somehow don't quite cut it.

Potty Training take 2

I hate potty training. It has got to be one of the most annoying tasks ever. Bob was completely unmotivated and we pushed him and bribed him because I knew he could do it but he just didn't want to. That was months of frustration and just not worth it. So, I swore with Kiera that I didn't care if she wore a diaper until 6. When she was ready, she could do it. Well, a month or so ago, she was interested. So, we had her sit on the potty. She liked it! She could do it! In 2 weeks time, she was wearing underwear all day, no accidents, telling us when she had to go, sometimes she even went all by herself! Then a few weeks later, she decided she didn't want to anymore. She started peeing in her pants all the time, she won't sit on the potty, she doesn't tell us when she has to go. At first I was mad, but then I realized, she'll do it when she wants to, so back to diapers. Sigh. Guess it was too good to be true.

It is so freakin hot

OK, Seattle is usually a nice cool place even in the summer. But this week is crazy hot. It is 95 degrees on the second floor. After 9 years here, Jeff and I lowered ourselves to air conditioning. That's right, we're destroying the planet so that we can all sleep tonight. Unfortunately, Jeff did not appreciate me picking up the a/c unit from my parents, instead he was in ultra asshole mode. Admittedly he had a bad day. He was late getting home so he didn't get to put in the car seats, he had to take Bob to his swim lesson, he was putting in the carseats while Bob was swimming and Kiera locked herself in the car, Jeff called 911 but then he finally got Kiera to roll down the windows so he could get in. Then it was really hot in the house and he couldn't put the kids to bed until I got home at 9:30 with the a/c. But really, I think there are a) several points where Jeff could have headed off this disaster and b) no reason to blame me and be a total jerk. This is why marriage sometimes sucks ass. But I'm sure we'll all feel better in the morning after a good night's sleep in a nice cool room. And this is why marriage sometimes rocks.

who do I love more?

So, my friend told me that I talk about my son more than my daughter. I'm not sure this is necessarily true, but it got me wondering if it is. I know that my daughter is a lot like me. In fact, sometimes it is scary how much I relate to her. Maybe I feel strange bragging about my daughter because what I really want to say is "she is so amazingly smart, like in a scary way." Basically we treat her like she is the same age as Bob. She can talk as well as him, she understands things that I think she shouldn't, she sings songs, counts, does imaginary play, etc. Maybe these are normal, I know people say girls develop faster in some ways, but Bob wasn't close to doing any of that at 2.

Bob is awesome in lots of ways too. He is very creative and can play for hours very intricate games. He is very empathetic. I love how he loves me so much. Kiera and I have a much more complex relationship. At least, that is the way it feel. It feels like there is more tension. Bob always just seems like he worships the ground I walk on. I never really feel like we're at odds. And I feel like Kiera and I are in a power struggle. Maybe it is all in my head.

Anyway, I know I love them both so much it hurts sometimes. I could never pick one over the other. I don't even like comparing them because I think they are both so amazing in their own way.

Twilight fans are crazy

So, I went to Forks, WA this weekend which is apparently vampire central since the release of the book Twilight. And that in the middle of nowhere town is now all Twilight-ed out. It is Twilight this, Bella that, Edward over here. And I don't even know who these people are. What is more how did a teeny-bopper vampire love story become so popular that thousands of people (yes, that is right, THOUSANDS) are heading out to Forks for vacation in order to take the Twilight tour. WTF?

And as an aside, I don't even get the whole vampire love thing. What is hot about that? Oooh, you want to sink your big scary fangs into my neck and suck my blood out? That turns me on baby! Ooooh, your pastey white skin is so sexy. Mmmmm. Whatever, vampires are fuckin scary as hell. I'm probably scarred for life from being allowed to watch Salam's Lot when I was like 8. I wouldn't look at a window at night for years after that.

This is why dieting is wrong

Ok, so generally speaking I don't diet. Generally speaking, I don't like to be one of those girls that sits around talking about her weight and what she ate today. But that was back in the day when I could drop 5 lbs by going for a run a couple times a week for a few weeks. Now, I've got all this "baby weight" stuck to my middle like glue and no amount of exercise seems to shake it. My personal trainer recommended that I eat about 1400 calories a day. 1400! I said to her "that doesn't sound like enough food to sustain life" and she said "you'll be fine." But here's the thing. I'm not fine! I'm freakin HUNGRY! Ok, most of the time I am fine. It is actually really good because I'm eating WAY more fruits and veggies than before (mostly because they tend to be almost calorie free and did I mention that I'm hungry?) and just in general making better choices about my diet. But I really hate being hungry at 8pm and really wanting something like say cheese and crackers and feeling like I can't eat it. Last night, I broke down and ate some cookies. I don't consider dessert off the menu entirely, in fact, the Skinny Cow ice cream novelties are pretty tastey. But I am trying to limit it to a couple times a week, instead of daily, multiple times daily, etc. And lest you think I should have just cut out the dessert and kept eating everything else, I already tried that! Ok, back to not eating.

Bears in my neighborhood??!

That's right folks. Apparently the other night a black bear was running loose and was spotted only 2 blocks from where we live! Holy crap!

Here's more info, if you are interested.
Seattle Times article
A map tracking the bear!

Damn you, Top Pot!!!

OK, so I took Bob to Top Pot this weekend thinking "oh wouldn't it be fun to have some donuts this morning." Which it was! The donuts there are oh so yummy and even though I swore I'd only eat a half of one, I ended up eating 1.25. Oh well, right? WRONG! I just looked up the calorie count in the donut that I ate. 620 calories people! In ONE STUPID DONUT! Was it worth it? Probably. But I'm sure this is why I can't lose weight. I think something has maybe 400 but it really has 250 more than that. I hate to sound like an obsessive dieter when I am really not. But Kiera is 2 years old now. And I've only lost about 14 lbs since my 6 week pp check-up. I feel like I workout a ton and I'm denying myself most of the yummy things I like. I'm even giving up my chai lattes. Sigh. I just want my old body back. I guess the good news is at this rate, I'll be back to my pre-Bob weight in 2 more years.

My trip to NYC

I just go back from NYC. I went all by myself, no husband, no kids, no nothin. I stayed with a good friend at her place in Brooklyn. Here are the highlights.

• Shopping. A lot of shopping. Mostly in Soho, a little on 5th AVE.
• Dim Sum in Chinatown
• Lots of yummy food including incredible hummus, great bread and cheese, and wine
• Went to very strange bar in Tribeca
• Had a snack at a diner at 1am in Tribeca
• Rode the subway a lot
• Stayed up late every night (what is up with not eating dinner until 9pm in NY?)
• Had an awesome massage
• Helped my friend pick some paint colors that are "fresh"
• sat outside the Plaza making phone calls
• Walked right past John Kerry on the sidewalk

Things I wanted to do but didn't

• try the super yummy looking jerk chicken at the corner place by my friends house
• buy a bunch of food from the Meat Palace and eat it along with some of the weird cheeses at the Mexican grocery
• Try more restaurants including an indian place, an austrian place, and a chocolate bar
• wander around in central park
• eat a soft pretzel and hot dog from a vendor
• go to one of the many museums

Oh well. Next time.

Ode to Myself

Oh, I am so Margaret-y
No matter how I try
I can only be me
Even when it makes me cry

I know I do not tolerate
those who cannot speak their mind
and while we wait and wait and wait
still they seem so blind

I endeaver to be sweeter
but my tongue is too tart
the words I cannot meter
for they come straight from the heart

Remodeling Sucks!

Ok, so after all this time waiting to do the remodel, now I hate it. I want it over and done with. I almost wish we'd never done it, except for the fact that it is going to be awesome when it is done. The house is so dirty, dusty and disgusting. Bleck. What is it with the contractors that they can't seem to keep things moving without regular phone calls reminding them that "hey! you should be at my house putting it back together!" fuckers.

Anyway, if Jeff and I don't get divorced or kill each other by the time the next 2 weeks is over, we should be good for the rest of time.

And random aside for the day. Some dude in the elevator commented on my purse. I figure he is either
a. Gay
b. Hitting on me
c. a Freak
I'd like to think b since he was kinda cute in a dorky sort of way but I suspect a or c due to my luck with men over time.

Also, it's my baby's birthday and if you want to hear her birth story I'm happy to tell it again for the 500th time!!! I never get tired of thinking about it. :)

Bah

I don't know what to blog about lately. There is just too much crap going on. You might think to yourself, how can that be a problem, then you should just blog more! But no, in my mind it presents the problem of figuring out what the most interesting/important thing is and then putting that up but since I can't even concentrate long enough to hold onto a thought, I just can't figure it out. So here is stream of conciousness.

Things suck right now because Jeff has been a cranky bitch lately and I'm tired of being around him, the house is a disgusting, dirty, ripped up mess due to construction, I can't cook because the kitchen is always a mess, I can barely stand to be at home and it isn't even relaxing to be there, work is super stressful, it is cold and rainy outside when i just want some freakin sun, i'm obsessing about things in the past which I'm sure has something to do with stuff going on now but I haven't been to therapy in a couple weeks so I haven't had a chance to get this off my mind, I'm not sleeping well due to all sort of reasons including being repeatedly woken up by the kids, the in-laws come next week which will probably make jeff even more cranky and I'm just not sure i can handle that right now. Sheesh.

On the bright side, we went to Palm Springs and it was fun. Running is going ok, my knees are hanging in there but still a bit twingy. And the space we are opening up in the house looks like it will be awesome when it is done. AND I get to go to NY in a couple weeks ALL BY MYSELF!

Batshit crazy

This is my new favorite phrase. I don't actually use it out loud that much since it isn't very appropriate at work or in front of the kids. How embarrassed would I be if they started running around saying things were BSC? I mean, yeah, its funny, but then I look like the asshole mom. Anyway, I don't actually say it much, but I think it a lot. Like "this economy is BSC" or "I'm going BSC" or "dude, that is a BSC idea." Also, it has turned up in songs and stuff like that recently, so I feel one with it. I tried to look up the etymology of the saying but the best I could do was illness brought on by bat guano, which I really doubt is correct.

April Fools

Today is the 10th anniversary of my first date with Jeff. Jeff is being all sentimenal about it, which is very weird since I'm the one who usually wants to mark birthdays, anniversarys, etc and Jeff always gives me a hard time (this could be another blog post but lets just say that I like presents and I never get any!). I still remember our date pretty clearly. My big plan was to use him up and spit him back out. That didn't work out so well. I had a long history of dating the wrong sort of guy and Jeff wasn't any different. He had a semi-girlfriend 10 years ago but that didn't stop either one of us. Somehow we ended up getting serious, moving to Seattle, getting married and having kids. I thought getting married was going to solve all my problems. But turns out marriage is pretty freakin hard if you don't have your emotional houses in order. But today, we've been hanging out together for 10 years. He's still my best friend, so I figure we must be doing something right.

Facebook dilemma

Ok, so over my time using FB, I have made some bad friending decisions, many of them initiated by me. You know, you see someone you used to know, think, gee it would be fun to see what they are up to, exchange a few wall posts, etc. But then, you become friended and realize that they have no desire to catch up at all. The only reason they accept the friend request is so that they aren't considered rude. So, now you are "friends" with someone that you no longer want to be friends with. But wouldn't it be the height of rudeness to de-friend someone who you requested friendship from? They need another category. Something like "Slightly Friendly" "Just Curious" "Ok, but I don't really like you". You can see their profile for one week to satisfy your curiosity and then they go back to no mans land. Facebook sucks, it has created all sorts of issues that I never had before. If only I weren't addicted to it.

Refinancing, Running and Seether

Ok, so we finally refinanced. Can't remembered if I mentioned I was spending entirely too much time filling out paperwork, collecting paystubs, w-2s, etc and watching the mortgage rates bounce all over the place hoping they'd return to the lowest of the low. We finally decided to lock last week and snag a 4.75 rate. Woo-hoo! If we don't pay this off early, we end up paying about the same amount in interest we would have but now it is spread over 5 more years. But we'll probably pay it off early, hopefully, maybe, well we'll see how much remodeling, college, etc costs.

Anyway, I also just signed up to run the Seattle Rock n Roll Half Marathon. Yes, that's right. I can run, just really slow. I'll be happy to finish with the same time as the last half I did, which was about 2.5 hours. Don't laugh - remember where I said I was SLOW? I'm still hoping a running partner will magically appear. But if not, it should still be fun. Training starts April 5 and I expect to complain a lot.

Also, I heard a remake of Wham's Careless Whisper the other day by Sleether! Now, I had personally never heard of this band (which probably shows how out of touch I am), but Wham! holds a warm fuzzy place in my heart. And now so does Sleether. Hey, check it out, you might like it too.