Here's to you, Grandpa

Wow, that was really fast. On Monday, my grandfather decided not to be treated for heart failure and today, he died. It was a nice day to die. The weather was beautiful - sunny, warm, not hot, nice breeze, leaves starting to turn red, yellow and orange.

My grandfather slipped into a coma last night and stopped breathing at 3pm this afternoon. My mom, her brother, my father, my sister and I were all there when he took his last breath. I was kind of scared about seeing him die. But it was actually kind of beautiful. I'm so grateful that I got to be there. I'm so grateful that he was so much a part of my life. He told me that we were the best of friends. I got to tell him how much I loved him. I don't have the words for how much I will miss him.

Death

I haven't had much to say, or maybe too much to say, don't know. I've been trying to wrap my head around my grandfather choosing not to be treated for an infection in his heart. I think I'm ok with it now, but it is not easy to watch one of my favorite people in the world die. I am glad that he gets to make the choice that makes him happy, but there are moments when I wish I could strap him down and force the antibiotics on him.

Febrile Seizures

I am very tired. Kiera has been very sick the last few days with a very high fever. We've called 911 twice and been taken to the hospital for febrile seizures. It is definitely the scariest thing that I've had happen as a parent. The first time it happened, I really thought she was going to die in my arms.

Because she had 2 in 24 hours and they were deemed "atypical" we now get the joy of going to see a pediatric nuerologist. She seems ok now. And last night she was fine even though her fever spiked again around 10pm. I haven't been sleeping well since I check on her every few hours to make sure she's still alive. I tell myself it's irrational to think she'll die in her sleep, but you hear those horror stories and I just can't sleep unless I know she's ok.

Are you done having kids?

Several people in the last few days have asked if I'm going to have more kids. I don't really know. I like the idea of having a bigger family, but going through another pregnancy and that first year with an infant again doesn't sound like too much fun.

Jeff and I discussed this a while ago and his response was "I'm done." To which I replied, "So, I guess we're not having anymore kids then." And then he said, "Well, it's not like we've done anything permenant." WTF does that mean? Either you are done or you aren't, right? How is it you can be with someone for almost 10 years and still not know what the hell they are talking about half the time?

Anyway, apparently we are both on the same page which is this: We don't want to have any more babies right now, but we both like the idea of more kids, so who knows what will happen in the future.

I'm going to vote with my little hood too

Samatha Bee had this to say about being a Vagina American:

"Ow, ow, ow. Can you just stop overloading my lady brain? Ow. John McCain chose a woman who is almost completely unprepared for the job and who disagrees with me on every core value I believe in, but I will be voting McCain in November because he understands. Woman don't vote with the big head (pointing to her head). They vote with the little hood (pointing downward). Am I right ladies? You're with me! "

I'm going to vote with my little hood too, cept I'm voting for Obama. He's WAY better looking than McCaincient. Not to mention I find Ms Palin offensive on too many levels to mention. And McCain is even more offensive to me, especially since he seems to think that choosing any woman to put on the ticket would make all us silly women vote for him. He's clearly a sexist, yet now that he's put a woman on the ticket, everytime Palin is attacked, he'll call Obama/Biden sexist. Just look at the latest scandal about the "pig in lipstick" comment. Unfortunately, I think it's going to work for him.

The love that screams its name really really loudly

Today, as I prepare to take Bob and leave him at preschool for the first time, I cannot help but think about how hard it is to watch him take this first step out into the world. Even though I left him at daycare when he was a baby and he stays with the nanny during the day now, somehow sending him off to school seems like a bigger deal. It's the first step in his journey of independence that will eventually lead him to leave home and probably someday start his own family.

It makes me unbearably sad to think of the kids leaving home. I love them fiercely. So much that sometimes it truly physically hurts. It's amazing because before I had kids, I didn't understand how people survived the baby years. The sleepless nights, the endless diapers, the constant demand for attention. But the minute Bob came out and they put him on my chest, I fell hopelessly in love. It's the kind of love that you can't even describe to someone who doesn't have kids. I've tried. It's sort of like having an enormous, obsessive crush on someone. You think about them endlessly. You want to be with them constantly. Every microscopic detail of their life seems endlessly fascinating. This is why parents can spend an hour discussing their kids poop.

And sometimes I wonder if I love one kid more. But they are both so amazing and so different, that it seems that I love one with as much fervor as the other. This is what makes me think I'd like to have another. To feel your heart expand to love someone so much, it completes your soul in a way I could never have imagined before.

My mom assures me that when they become teenagers, I won't like them nearly as much. I'm hoping this is true (sort of) because otherwise, I'm not sure how I could stand packing them up and shipping them off on their own life journey.

Why I love Prince

1. He's kinda hot for a short, skinny, sort of effeminate looking dude
2. All his songs are a little naughty (and some are downright smutty)
3. He knows how to shake his ass

Camping, Take 2

I'm very excited that we are going camping again this weekend. And I cannot believe the weather is going to be freakin' beautiful! We're headed up to Lopez Island. I love the San Juans and haven't been up there in years. I'm praying that we don't have to wait around for hours to catch the ferry. I'm going to toss the kids in the car as soon as they wake up and try to catch the 10am ferry.

Jeff was supposed to be testifying as an expert witness (I love saying "expert witness." It just makes me think about what a smarty pants he is. But the best part is that he doesn't realize it and still likes to watch things like "Most Shocking Explosions" on tv and yells "OMG, did you see that?! "when something really big blows up. Makes me feel all warm and tingly inside.) but the trial got postponed or something so now he's going to be able to drive up with us instead of later in the evening. Yay!

And this time we get to make a GIANT FIRE! Camping without fire is lame.

Mommy needs some personal space

Lately the kids seem to think that I am their personal climbing gym/toy. And if I'm honest with myself, I guess I sort of am. But still, mommy would like a little more personal space. I tried to explain this concept to Bob and he just said "No. No personal space." which pretty much sums up my life. I've also tried to install "mommy's turn" into the mix. They seem to get the concept of taking turns with each other, but why would mommy need a turn? If I tell Kiera I'm busy reading the paper, she just brings me one book after another, slams it down and says "read." When I say no, she either goes and gets another book or flings herself onto the floor and sobs. What's a mommy to do?

This mommy has taken to going on longer and longer runs in order to get a little time to myself. Seems like my ass belongs to everyone except myself. Running is nice because I get to listen to the music I want (without Jeff or the kids complaining about or making fun of it) and I get to be alone with my thoughts. At this rate, that baby weight is going to be gone in no time!