it's not me, it's you

This week I realized something. I kind of knew this about myself, but it never seemed so clear as it does now. Suppose you have a friend who says mean things to you all the time or forgets to meet you or is perpetually really, really late. Most people would think to themselves, "wow, this person is not very considerate." and maybe they'd even go so far as to think "I don't want to be friends with them anymore."

Not me. I think things like "I wonder what I did to piss them off." or "they must not like me very much." and then I feel sad about how lame I am instead of realizing it's not me, it's them! Seriously. I finally realize this. I do this in all sorts of relationships. For example, if the check out person at the grocery store forgets to give me the discount and I ask them to apply it and they have to re-ring up the whole thing and are annoyed, I think "geez, it was only $2, I shouldn't be wasting their time." WTF? It is their job. So what if they are annoyed. Not my problem.

Now, I just need to figure out how to apply this handy knowledge in real time instead of realizing after the fact that I have crappy friends, rude salespeople, psychotic managers, etc. I need to start saying (if only in my head) "No, It's You!"

I'm not 22 anymore and why that is a good thing

In NOLA I partied like I haven't partied since I was a young, single girl living in Boston. Which as a side note is a great place to party. But after getting pretty drunk again last night, I have to ask myself "what the hell am I thinking?" I am not 22 anymore and thank god for that. So why am I running around like I am?

I fear this will require much pondering since as far as I can tell this is the happiest I've ever been in my life. Now, given that I have been quite miserable at times, one could say this isn't really saying much. However, I actually feel pretty damn happy these days. I do have an extreme fear of getting old. Just the thought of turning 35 gives me a distinct bad taste in my mouth. Yeah, go ahead and laugh at me. I seriously do not want to get old. Jeff told me the other day that he read some article that people over 80 said they'd trade 2 years of life over 80 for like 1 day (or a week or something) of being young and healthy. If that doesn't scare the crap out of you, I don't know what will.

Anyway, I am going to discuss this with my therapist and I'll get back to you. But in the meantime, I'm taking a vow to stop drinking my friends under the table.

Summer is never coming

So, it is now the first day of July and still summer has not hit Seattle. It is 58 and raining today. 58! On July 1!!! This is very, very wrong people. Especially since last year I was complaining about the heat wave. I bet this year I won't even get to break out the air conditioner.

In other news, life seems to be going much better. Jeff is being awfully nice these days which makes me happy to be married to him. We found a new babysitter and are now going out once a week. We are actually having a lot of fun together and it makes me remember why I married him in the first place.

Work is going well. I think it should be another good review in September. And as we all get shuffled around, looks like I'm going to be writing my own job description. So, I'll get to do exactly what I want to! How cool is that? Also, my friend Cheryl and I recently got back from Tech Ed in New Orleans. We had entirely too much fun. Lots and lots of guys (most of them not that attractive though).

And while I'm on the subject, what is up with all the married guys hitting on married women? I mean, yes everyone was drinking too much, but still. Is this really what is happening out in the real world and I've just been oblivious? Guess I'm just an old-fashioned kind of girl to be shocked by this. However, it is nice to know that if my husband drops dead or something, I'll have lots of options still.

Of course, it is almost the middle of summer, marked by my beautiful, baby boy's birthday. He'll be FIVE this year. I cannot believe that a) he's gotten so big and b) it has happened so fast. But at the same time I can hardly remember what life was like before he arrived! He's already riding a bike, learning to read and just generally making every day awesome.

I'm hoping 2010 will continue to rock so here's hoping we get some sun someday soon.

Loss of Babyhood

I'm a silly, silly girl I tell myself. I have two beautiful children and yet I feel incredibly sad at this moment in time. I'm also very happy but it is all very confusing as I watch my little girl grow up. She marches around the house with a swagger and demands things of everyone at the top of her lungs. She uses hand gestures and manerisms that make her seem more like 16 than 2. At the edge of 3, I've realized that she is no longer a baby. Not only that, she is my last baby and I'll never get to hold my own flesh and blood, fresh from my body for the first time and feel that intense moment of falling in love. I am not needed in the way that I was. I know, they still need me desperately and probably will for at least 20 more years. If for nothing else than to pay their bills. But somehow it isn't the same as the baby years. And while I am so excited to see them grow up and they are so funny and fun as little people, I wish I could capture that moment in time in all senses. Instead, I'm left with photos and videos that somehow don't quite cut it.

Potty Training take 2

I hate potty training. It has got to be one of the most annoying tasks ever. Bob was completely unmotivated and we pushed him and bribed him because I knew he could do it but he just didn't want to. That was months of frustration and just not worth it. So, I swore with Kiera that I didn't care if she wore a diaper until 6. When she was ready, she could do it. Well, a month or so ago, she was interested. So, we had her sit on the potty. She liked it! She could do it! In 2 weeks time, she was wearing underwear all day, no accidents, telling us when she had to go, sometimes she even went all by herself! Then a few weeks later, she decided she didn't want to anymore. She started peeing in her pants all the time, she won't sit on the potty, she doesn't tell us when she has to go. At first I was mad, but then I realized, she'll do it when she wants to, so back to diapers. Sigh. Guess it was too good to be true.

It is so freakin hot

OK, Seattle is usually a nice cool place even in the summer. But this week is crazy hot. It is 95 degrees on the second floor. After 9 years here, Jeff and I lowered ourselves to air conditioning. That's right, we're destroying the planet so that we can all sleep tonight. Unfortunately, Jeff did not appreciate me picking up the a/c unit from my parents, instead he was in ultra asshole mode. Admittedly he had a bad day. He was late getting home so he didn't get to put in the car seats, he had to take Bob to his swim lesson, he was putting in the carseats while Bob was swimming and Kiera locked herself in the car, Jeff called 911 but then he finally got Kiera to roll down the windows so he could get in. Then it was really hot in the house and he couldn't put the kids to bed until I got home at 9:30 with the a/c. But really, I think there are a) several points where Jeff could have headed off this disaster and b) no reason to blame me and be a total jerk. This is why marriage sometimes sucks ass. But I'm sure we'll all feel better in the morning after a good night's sleep in a nice cool room. And this is why marriage sometimes rocks.

who do I love more?

So, my friend told me that I talk about my son more than my daughter. I'm not sure this is necessarily true, but it got me wondering if it is. I know that my daughter is a lot like me. In fact, sometimes it is scary how much I relate to her. Maybe I feel strange bragging about my daughter because what I really want to say is "she is so amazingly smart, like in a scary way." Basically we treat her like she is the same age as Bob. She can talk as well as him, she understands things that I think she shouldn't, she sings songs, counts, does imaginary play, etc. Maybe these are normal, I know people say girls develop faster in some ways, but Bob wasn't close to doing any of that at 2.

Bob is awesome in lots of ways too. He is very creative and can play for hours very intricate games. He is very empathetic. I love how he loves me so much. Kiera and I have a much more complex relationship. At least, that is the way it feel. It feels like there is more tension. Bob always just seems like he worships the ground I walk on. I never really feel like we're at odds. And I feel like Kiera and I are in a power struggle. Maybe it is all in my head.

Anyway, I know I love them both so much it hurts sometimes. I could never pick one over the other. I don't even like comparing them because I think they are both so amazing in their own way.