Summer is never coming

So, it is now the first day of July and still summer has not hit Seattle. It is 58 and raining today. 58! On July 1!!! This is very, very wrong people. Especially since last year I was complaining about the heat wave. I bet this year I won't even get to break out the air conditioner.

In other news, life seems to be going much better. Jeff is being awfully nice these days which makes me happy to be married to him. We found a new babysitter and are now going out once a week. We are actually having a lot of fun together and it makes me remember why I married him in the first place.

Work is going well. I think it should be another good review in September. And as we all get shuffled around, looks like I'm going to be writing my own job description. So, I'll get to do exactly what I want to! How cool is that? Also, my friend Cheryl and I recently got back from Tech Ed in New Orleans. We had entirely too much fun. Lots and lots of guys (most of them not that attractive though).

And while I'm on the subject, what is up with all the married guys hitting on married women? I mean, yes everyone was drinking too much, but still. Is this really what is happening out in the real world and I've just been oblivious? Guess I'm just an old-fashioned kind of girl to be shocked by this. However, it is nice to know that if my husband drops dead or something, I'll have lots of options still.

Of course, it is almost the middle of summer, marked by my beautiful, baby boy's birthday. He'll be FIVE this year. I cannot believe that a) he's gotten so big and b) it has happened so fast. But at the same time I can hardly remember what life was like before he arrived! He's already riding a bike, learning to read and just generally making every day awesome.

I'm hoping 2010 will continue to rock so here's hoping we get some sun someday soon.

Loss of Babyhood

I'm a silly, silly girl I tell myself. I have two beautiful children and yet I feel incredibly sad at this moment in time. I'm also very happy but it is all very confusing as I watch my little girl grow up. She marches around the house with a swagger and demands things of everyone at the top of her lungs. She uses hand gestures and manerisms that make her seem more like 16 than 2. At the edge of 3, I've realized that she is no longer a baby. Not only that, she is my last baby and I'll never get to hold my own flesh and blood, fresh from my body for the first time and feel that intense moment of falling in love. I am not needed in the way that I was. I know, they still need me desperately and probably will for at least 20 more years. If for nothing else than to pay their bills. But somehow it isn't the same as the baby years. And while I am so excited to see them grow up and they are so funny and fun as little people, I wish I could capture that moment in time in all senses. Instead, I'm left with photos and videos that somehow don't quite cut it.

Potty Training take 2

I hate potty training. It has got to be one of the most annoying tasks ever. Bob was completely unmotivated and we pushed him and bribed him because I knew he could do it but he just didn't want to. That was months of frustration and just not worth it. So, I swore with Kiera that I didn't care if she wore a diaper until 6. When she was ready, she could do it. Well, a month or so ago, she was interested. So, we had her sit on the potty. She liked it! She could do it! In 2 weeks time, she was wearing underwear all day, no accidents, telling us when she had to go, sometimes she even went all by herself! Then a few weeks later, she decided she didn't want to anymore. She started peeing in her pants all the time, she won't sit on the potty, she doesn't tell us when she has to go. At first I was mad, but then I realized, she'll do it when she wants to, so back to diapers. Sigh. Guess it was too good to be true.

who do I love more?

So, my friend told me that I talk about my son more than my daughter. I'm not sure this is necessarily true, but it got me wondering if it is. I know that my daughter is a lot like me. In fact, sometimes it is scary how much I relate to her. Maybe I feel strange bragging about my daughter because what I really want to say is "she is so amazingly smart, like in a scary way." Basically we treat her like she is the same age as Bob. She can talk as well as him, she understands things that I think she shouldn't, she sings songs, counts, does imaginary play, etc. Maybe these are normal, I know people say girls develop faster in some ways, but Bob wasn't close to doing any of that at 2.

Bob is awesome in lots of ways too. He is very creative and can play for hours very intricate games. He is very empathetic. I love how he loves me so much. Kiera and I have a much more complex relationship. At least, that is the way it feel. It feels like there is more tension. Bob always just seems like he worships the ground I walk on. I never really feel like we're at odds. And I feel like Kiera and I are in a power struggle. Maybe it is all in my head.

Anyway, I know I love them both so much it hurts sometimes. I could never pick one over the other. I don't even like comparing them because I think they are both so amazing in their own way.

Remodeling Sucks!

Ok, so after all this time waiting to do the remodel, now I hate it. I want it over and done with. I almost wish we'd never done it, except for the fact that it is going to be awesome when it is done. The house is so dirty, dusty and disgusting. Bleck. What is it with the contractors that they can't seem to keep things moving without regular phone calls reminding them that "hey! you should be at my house putting it back together!" fuckers.

Anyway, if Jeff and I don't get divorced or kill each other by the time the next 2 weeks is over, we should be good for the rest of time.

And random aside for the day. Some dude in the elevator commented on my purse. I figure he is either
a. Gay
b. Hitting on me
c. a Freak
I'd like to think b since he was kinda cute in a dorky sort of way but I suspect a or c due to my luck with men over time.

Also, it's my baby's birthday and if you want to hear her birth story I'm happy to tell it again for the 500th time!!! I never get tired of thinking about it. :)

Mystified by a 3 year old

This last weekend mostly sucked. There were a few bright moments:
- swimming with the kids
- having my BFF from college over for dinner
- getting to eat the rest of the cake while the kids were napping

Otherwise, it was lame. Jeff was cranky all weekend long. He was even cranky during family night when we watched Toy Story 2. How can you be cranky during TS2? Bob is going through some kind of strange toddler phase. He turns into a mess for no apparent reason and then won't snap out of it. I'm going to have to hone my patience because so far, I haven't been doing well with the emotional breakdowns several times a day. After swimming, I turned into the mommy I never wanted to be. Bob had an accident in the bathroom while we were trying to get to the potty. So, I was cleaning it up and then putting a fresh pair of pants on him and I told him to pull them up and he started screaming and was just standing in the bathroom stall with his pants around his legs crying. I think he was experiencing low blood sugar because I know I just wanted to go home and get lunch. But I was so frustrated and we ended up sitting on the floor of the dressing room while he cried and I kept saying "I don't know what the problem is. Can you tell me what is wrong?" as tens of people walked by staring at me. Luckily, Kiera seemed happy to stand next to us and people watch. But sometimes, I wonder if she is learning the wrong message from all these interactions. She keeps saying things like, "I don't cry, Mommy" and I keep telling her it is ok to cry. Sigh.

I wish I had a baby mind reading device

So, even though both of the kids talk, quite a bit actually and sometimes to the point of being annoying, they rarely tell me anything useful. If you ask them directly about something, they will almost always instead tell you about one of their toys. You can ask yes or no questions, but you can easily get them to tell you that aliens pushed them down the stairs and made them cry. It goes something like this.

Mom: Why are you sad?
Child: Crying
Mom: Did you get hurt?
Child: Shakes head affirmatively
Mom: How did you get hurt?
Child: Crying
Mom: Did you fall on the stairs (lets assume here that you heard loud thumping coming from the stairs)
Child: Shakes head affirmatively
Mom: How did you fall? Did you trip?
Child: Shakes head no
Mom: Did someone push you (already suspecting the sibling)
Child: Yes, they did.
Mom: Who
Child: The bad people
Mom: What bad people?
Child: The ones like Buzz Lightyear
Mom: What do you mean? Like toys?
Child: No. They fly.
Mom: Spacemen?
Child: Yes, flying spacemen pushed me and it hurt. Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah

Anyway, Kiera is still screaming when being put to bed (not every night mind you) and waking up at night. I was up for an hour with her last night. I have no idea why. Is she going through some kind of new phase of separation anxiety? Is she just really tired? Did I cave incorrectly one night and now she knows my weakness? Is she in pain? Is she scared? If only she could actually tell me what the actual problem is. Of course, maybe she is, maybe all she really wants is for me to rub her back all night long. Sigh. Yet another point of contention for Jeff and I. He thinks we should let her scream indefinitely, I am not so cool with that. We let her cry for 30 min tonight, he went in and rubbed her back, she cried for another 5 min and went to sleep. Let's hope she stays asleep tonight. Jeff and I are going to kill each other if we can't get a decent night's sleep.

On the bright side, I had the kids to myself on Fri night so we rented a movie and made popcorn. It was fun for me and them. But really how can you go wrong with hot, buttered popcorn?

that girl has a set of lungs

Last night I accidentally woke up Kiera when I was checking on her before going to bed myself. This resulted in her refusing to go to bed for almost FOUR HOURS! Ok, I probably should have let her scream for a while sooner but here is my defense:

a. She has only very rarely cried herself to sleep and only when it is wimpy cries
b. I was really tired myself and not thinking clearly
c. She was screaming at the top of her lungs. I am not exaggerating. We're talking full lung power, hysterical, you are torturing me and you are the worst mommy in the world screaming. Not to mention rattling her cage when left unattended.
d. I didn't want her to wake up Bob. I don't know why I ever worry about this since he could probably sleep through the end of the world.
e. It is really hard to listen to anyone, especially your sweet, little baby scream like a banshee.

Anyway, eventually I put her down and she screamed for about 20 min at which point I went in, rubbed her back and she fell asleep. And yes, I'd tried that several times earlier. Jeff got super pissed at me which I can understand since I was pissed at myself. But we kept arguing about what to do with her and every time the other would get fed up and decide to let her cry, the other would go in and pick her up. Well, at least I can look forward to sleeping tonight. We are definitely entering 2 year old territory and I think she's going to be a lot harder because she has very strong opinions. But I like that about her so I'll try to be cool and roll with it.

Snow Watch 2008 continues

Even though it is snowing here, there isn't enough snow there to open the trails that run past our cabin yet. Sigh. I really thought this week was going to bring the snow. But now they are calling for a big storm on Sunday which is good and bad. Good because more snow is better and bad because that is the day we are supposed to drive over. At least we have the portable DVD player this year to keep the kids entertained. And never underestimate the power of grandparents.

But with the snow here, we got a test run on how the kids were going to like playing in the snow. I'm happy to report they LOVE IT, so I'm sure we'll be having a big wild party next week.

Best Thanksgiving in 10 years!

Thanksgiving was great. We drove down to my cousin's (once removed but whatever) house near Vancouver, WA. The drive was a bit sketchy since there was a lot of traffic. But Jeff kept his cool and the kids didn't freak out. This was the first trip we've taken with Kiera where she didn't scream for a good part of it. In fact, she's getting to be a very pleasant travelling companion.

Anyway, we had dinner with my mom's aunt (my grandfather's sister) and all of her kids and their families. They are all fun, nice people and great cooks too! One of the relatives I hadn't seen since we lived in Boston. He taught Jeff and me to x-country ski in New Hampshire about 10 years ago. So, it was fun to catch up. The food was so good. I ate too much but it was good.

After sobering up with some tea, we drove the rest of the way to Portland and stayed at the Crowne Plaza. We had 2 connecting rooms, which was great! The kids had a blast. We had to take Bob swimming right away even though it was late. They both passed out pretty quickly and Jeff and I ate popcorn and candy in bed while watching a movie. Now Jeff wants a flat screen HDTV in our bedroom. Hmmmmm.

Friday morning we got up (kids slept until 7:30!!!) and went out to breakfast at Zell's. OMG, so yummy. I had egg benedict which was great. The kids had pancakes. I tried to talk them into the pumpkin pancakes but they didn't go for it. They give you scones when you first get there, which were more like biscuits but very tastey. The best part was they brought out a basket of toys when we first got there which kept the kids entertained. And the tea came in a GIANT teapot. Usually, you get one little tea bag and a cup of tea, so that was cool.

Then we went to Powell's. I could live there. I didn't even go into the fiction section because I knew I'd never get out. The place is huge! I think it takes up a whole city block. I bought some cookbooks and the kids got some books to read in the car.

Then they watched Diego all the way home. We stopped at my friend's hotel in Olympia. She let us swim in the pool for a break and then we went out to dinner at a Osaka. Both kids were very adventurous. Bob ate a lot of unagi and Kiera tried pretty much everything at the table. They finished up with some mochi. Yum!

Can a girl get some sleep?!

OK, so I know they say you don't get much sleep after kids, but it has been almost 3.5 years and I still can't rely on a good night's sleep. That is all I want in life. To go to bed every night and sleep for 8 straight hours. No interuptions, no crying babies, no toddlers standing next to my head saying, "I want to watch TV" at 3am, no husbands talking in their sleep, no bad dreams, nothing. I want to fall asleep into deep, black, obliviousness and wake up exactly 8 hours later feeling like a human being. Is that so much to ask?

Mommyhood is awesome

I have to say some days I am just so happy to be a mom. Every single day my kids do something that makes me laugh or smile. This morning Kiera was being so funny. She woke up all happy and when I went to get her out of her crib, she had to bring all her blankies with her. She's up to four now. I said to her "You have a lot of blankies" and she said "Yeah, I do!"

And then I put on Diego for her because that is what she wanted to watch and when it came on she squealed with joy and clapped her hands. I can't remember the last time I was that excited about anything.

Both the kids are so happy and joyful that it makes me happy and joyful. Jeff and I agree that having kids is the best thing we ever did.

Febrile Seizures

I am very tired. Kiera has been very sick the last few days with a very high fever. We've called 911 twice and been taken to the hospital for febrile seizures. It is definitely the scariest thing that I've had happen as a parent. The first time it happened, I really thought she was going to die in my arms.

Because she had 2 in 24 hours and they were deemed "atypical" we now get the joy of going to see a pediatric nuerologist. She seems ok now. And last night she was fine even though her fever spiked again around 10pm. I haven't been sleeping well since I check on her every few hours to make sure she's still alive. I tell myself it's irrational to think she'll die in her sleep, but you hear those horror stories and I just can't sleep unless I know she's ok.

Are you done having kids?

Several people in the last few days have asked if I'm going to have more kids. I don't really know. I like the idea of having a bigger family, but going through another pregnancy and that first year with an infant again doesn't sound like too much fun.

Jeff and I discussed this a while ago and his response was "I'm done." To which I replied, "So, I guess we're not having anymore kids then." And then he said, "Well, it's not like we've done anything permenant." WTF does that mean? Either you are done or you aren't, right? How is it you can be with someone for almost 10 years and still not know what the hell they are talking about half the time?

Anyway, apparently we are both on the same page which is this: We don't want to have any more babies right now, but we both like the idea of more kids, so who knows what will happen in the future.

The love that screams its name really really loudly

Today, as I prepare to take Bob and leave him at preschool for the first time, I cannot help but think about how hard it is to watch him take this first step out into the world. Even though I left him at daycare when he was a baby and he stays with the nanny during the day now, somehow sending him off to school seems like a bigger deal. It's the first step in his journey of independence that will eventually lead him to leave home and probably someday start his own family.

It makes me unbearably sad to think of the kids leaving home. I love them fiercely. So much that sometimes it truly physically hurts. It's amazing because before I had kids, I didn't understand how people survived the baby years. The sleepless nights, the endless diapers, the constant demand for attention. But the minute Bob came out and they put him on my chest, I fell hopelessly in love. It's the kind of love that you can't even describe to someone who doesn't have kids. I've tried. It's sort of like having an enormous, obsessive crush on someone. You think about them endlessly. You want to be with them constantly. Every microscopic detail of their life seems endlessly fascinating. This is why parents can spend an hour discussing their kids poop.

And sometimes I wonder if I love one kid more. But they are both so amazing and so different, that it seems that I love one with as much fervor as the other. This is what makes me think I'd like to have another. To feel your heart expand to love someone so much, it completes your soul in a way I could never have imagined before.

My mom assures me that when they become teenagers, I won't like them nearly as much. I'm hoping this is true (sort of) because otherwise, I'm not sure how I could stand packing them up and shipping them off on their own life journey.

Mommy needs some personal space

Lately the kids seem to think that I am their personal climbing gym/toy. And if I'm honest with myself, I guess I sort of am. But still, mommy would like a little more personal space. I tried to explain this concept to Bob and he just said "No. No personal space." which pretty much sums up my life. I've also tried to install "mommy's turn" into the mix. They seem to get the concept of taking turns with each other, but why would mommy need a turn? If I tell Kiera I'm busy reading the paper, she just brings me one book after another, slams it down and says "read." When I say no, she either goes and gets another book or flings herself onto the floor and sobs. What's a mommy to do?

This mommy has taken to going on longer and longer runs in order to get a little time to myself. Seems like my ass belongs to everyone except myself. Running is nice because I get to listen to the music I want (without Jeff or the kids complaining about or making fun of it) and I get to be alone with my thoughts. At this rate, that baby weight is going to be gone in no time!

This is why

Ok, so I realized my last post was pretty snarky since I'm implying that somehow moms are more distracted from their work then everyone else. I totally don't feel that way (like, for sure!).

But now that I think about it, I think this is the logic that often goes into thinking moms aren't as valuable as employees. Really though, I think sometimes moms are better because they want to get home and be with their kids. AND they also realize that their devotion is split. I think we often try to make up for it by working harder while at work. We might not spend 10+ hours a day at work, but I can tell you that most people who spend that much time at work are spending hours doing things that are not work. Uh, like me, right now.

Kids bad for your career? Who knew?

OK, I actually enjoyed reading this article. http://abcnews.go.com/Business/CareerManagement/Story?id=5574529&page=1

But I do think in general kids are bad for your career regardless of when you have them. Even if you ignore them and keep working 60 hours a week there is a perception that you are distracted. And, come on, who are we kidding? Having a baby means you are
a. tired all the time
b. cranky all the time
c. probably spending some portion of your time at work thinking about baby or doing something for baby

In addition, MOST mothers I know are less interested in their jobs and more interested in their babies, at least initially.

Are moms still good employees? I think so, but I'm biased.

The worst thing about being a new parent

By far, the worst thing about having a baby is sleep deprivation. There is a reason it is considered a form of torture! If you've ever been forced to survive on 4-6 hours of sleep at night in blocks of less than 3 hours, you'll know that you turn into a different person. I turn cranky and mean and say all sort of horrible things.

Luckily, with Kiera getting older by the minute and Bob over the not-sleeping-hump, I think I see some light at the end of the tunnel. I think I'm going to be a nice, patient, loving person again someday. I hope that my husband will still love me when that time finally arrives and he won't remember enough to hold against me. I know I've catalogued all sorts of offenses that he's committed but I no longer remember any of them so I won't have any ammunition if war breaks out.

The best part about the kids getting older is that I'm done breast-feeding and I at least feel like I'm getting closer to the person I was before kids. I actually want to have time for my husband again. I'm interested in something besides every last detail of my kids daily activities. I think we might actually be a real couple again someday soon, that is, if I can ever get some sleep!

waterproof in seattle

It's funny how rain doesn't seem to bother people in Seattle. I went to Carkeek park today thinking that no one else would be there since it was raining off and on. But I should have known it would be packed on a Saturday afternoon regardless. I had to drive around the loop twice, which really concerned Bob since I was driving away from the playground. "It's back there, Mommy!"

I let the kids get really dirty and wet, especially since Kiera tried to crawl into the Sound. We stood on the overpass as a big train went by which Bob thought was super exciting and Kiera thought was a little scary. I love taking them out and playing. It always makes me smile.